I’m in a very weird place right now.
I haven’t been home for more than a week since I graduated high school. I went straight to work that summer and since have come home just for holidays and doctor’s appointments. Its very weird. My parents, friends from high-school, dance, and college, have never really been around me when I’m in a “work”ing state. I’m trying to negotiate this space where my lives meet, but am working through it very slowly.
I imagine it is because I’m use to being on “break-time” when I’m here at home. I’ve never had to put together a full report on where Texas A&M students stand on the environment, or format a literary journal that could be my future. I just had to be here. I just had to spend time with my family and friends, I could play the part they needed me to play, that of an uncomplicated Amanda, who is mainly carefree, fun, is not too serious and always available. This is not to say I’ve been fooling people every time I come home, its just I could be what they needed me to be, in order for them to be happiest, with me and themselves.
The strongest of my strengths [via StrengthsQuest] is RELATOR:
Relator describes your attitude toward your relationships. In simple terms, the Relator theme pulls you toward people you already know. You do not necessarily shy away from meeting new people-in fact, you may have other themes that cause you to enjoy the thrill of turning strangers into friends-but you do derive a great deal of pleasure and strength from being around your close friends. You are comfortable with intimacy. Once the initial connection has been made, you deliberately encourage a deepening of the relationship. You want to understand their feelings, their goals, their fears, and their dreams; and you want them to understand yours. You know that this kind of closeness implies a certain amount of risk-you might be taken advantage of-but you are willing to accept that risk. For you a relationship has value only if it is genuine. And the only way to know that is to entrust yourself to the other person. The more you share with each other, the more you risk together. The more you risk together, the more each of you proves your caring is genuine. These are your steps toward real friendship, and you take them willingly.
Like at college, I sacrifice myself for what others need of me. I’m completely okay with it too, I want my loved ones to have all the happiness I can give them, which means being as simple and complacent as possible some times and others being fun-loving, full of entertaining stories.
My focus this week, will being finding a place where I can sit and work. I can fill that role in myself that I never have had to here. College Station cannot be a bubble where I was once. I have to be–here, there, wherever I choose to go in the fall.
Coming home from DC, I had this same issue. In DC I was this fiery activist, Greenpeace Barbie who could organize her ass off…but no one in College Station ever knew me like that. I had to finagle my new identities together then press on. And I did, and it was wonderful. Some of my relationships changed, but the one that changed the most was the one I had with myself one that allowed for those changes as I moved forward.
I bought a Moleskin [yes, Hipster I know], and have been making daily to-do lists to go along with all of the random things I need to write down that jump into my brain through-out the day. This is helping me integrate my working self, with my…lets call it…relaxed or loving self.
More to come. And yes, I still miss College Station, my friends there, EIC and the lovely Northgate.